Do you ever feel like the challenge you're facing is just too much? Is there ever the dark time where you question the goodness of God? What some refer to as the 'Dark night of the soul' is a scary situation to find yourself in. This author has been there on a few occasions, and to be honest, when I was in the thick of it I wondered if I would survive. I would cry out to God asking 'why this?' or 'why that?', but I only heard silence in response. I even became angry as I watched things crumble around me, at one point sleeping in my car, but I am hear to encourage you and to let you know that just because He is not answering you verbally, it does not mean that He is not moving in your life!
To be very candid, I personally have had quite the eventful last three months. My wife of 9 years left late in 2012 due to influence from her family, and took my now 3 year old son with her. I strained and questioned God why, but He slowly, but surely, would lay reasons on my heart. Part of them were me and things I needed to resolve, but others were hers and I needed to leave it up to God to deal with. I spent months on my stomach praying for God to save my marriage, but at every corner I was met with accusation from my wife's family, and that own inner condemning voice pointing out what I could have done better. No matter what I changed it was not enough, and that's when it dawned on me...Grace! Jesus let me know that it wasn't if I could be perfect that would determine whether He loved me, but rather only by His grace can I be loved! I wish I could say the story gets brighter from there, but that would not be honest of me.
In May of 2013 I decided to take a leap of faith and move to California to be next to my son and try to save my marriage. I spent two weeks in Southern California, where she said she wanted to live, looking for work and was able to land 2 jobs. It was at this point that she said she wanted to stay in Northern California with her sister. I was at a loss. I was anxious to see my son and was willing to do anything to be near him. So I packed my car and moved to Northern California with the agreement we would liquidate some savings to make it possible, but she failed to keep her end of the bargain. I found myself now sleeping in my car for days being harassed by police and at times not eating. I cried out to God and again asked why, but no answer. Finally, I was able to land a job and rent a room from a very nice couple in the Antioch area. Things were going well and I was able to see my son, warming my heart, and even was able to try to work on things with my wife, but she was still convinced that love needed to be earned.
I was now established in a low paying job, but happy, and my wife decided she wanted to move back to Southern California to be near her mom, who had just come to visit. She was not willing to wait for me to have enough to follow. At this point I was so angry with God (how foolish), but our limited minds don't know how to process perceived injustice, so I just remained angry.
During this whole point in time I had felt that God was asking me to move to Texas and leave the rest to Him, but I had been unwilling to listen. So on my way down to Southern California I called my faith-filled Grandma and she advised me to follow what I felt the Lord was telling me...so I did. I took the small amount of money I had and told my wife that I was going to set up a place for us to live in Texas, and she was free to come if she wanted to. She said she admired what I was doing, and things were great after that...not.
I was living in a hotel room in a very bad area for two weeks, while I landed a job with Allstate Insurance, but the money began to run out. The last night in Fort Worth I began to question whether I wanted to live, and whether God was truly good. I began to think of myself as Job (without all the amazing faith). 4 times that last night people knocked on my door looking for drugs from some guy they thought would be there. Needless to say I was not able to sleep that night. The next morning I drove around in a daze wondering whether I ever did hear from God about moving to Texas. I met with a close friend that night and we discussed me heading back to my family in Colorado, and felt it was the right option. God still was silent. I drove back to Colorado feeling completely defeated and full of failure.
My older brother was gracious enough to let me stay in his house while I tried to turn things around. It has been a struggle, but God has shown His love many times during this period, which I will now relate. When I was in Northern California sleeping in my car, I went to the park one day and walked by a woman. She called out, 'I just wanted you to know that God hears you, and sees what you're going through.'. Why would a complete stranger say that? She proceeded to tell me she was there because that was where she had met her ex husband who had divorced her for another woman a year before. Also, when I was in the hotel the last night in Fort Worth, questioning whether I wanted to live, I watched a sermon that at that point in time was stating that God will NEVER give you more than you can handle without providing you with a way out...My brother had just offered me a place to stay as I was down to just over $200. Within 2 weeks of returning I was able to get a part time job and solid leads on full time positions. I also prayed that God would answer some specific prayers for finances that I knew were a necessity. I asked God to lay it on someone's heart to help, because I was tired of feeling like a needy person. Within a day my Grandma had sent me money to get me by.
The purpose of this article is to let you know to never give up, because God will always get you through. It usually isn't the way we want, but to this day I see reasons He brought me through this, whether it be personal growth, or allowing others to be used by Him. Just remember that a fool spurns reprove, but the wise man accepts discipline and learns. He has such great things for us in this life and the next, but just remain strong! It doesn't mean you won't fail horribly with temptation at times, but it does mean that He will always be there to pick you up and love you through it....even if it might not feel like love. He will be those footprints in the sand that carry you to the finish line.
By Jeffrey Brandon Lee
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